Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Heart Speaks Loud: Transition

My Heart Speaks Loud: Transition: "Definition of TRANSITION1a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : changeb : a mo..."


Definition of TRANSITION

a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : changeb : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
a : a musical modulationb : a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another
: an abrupt change in energy state or level (as of an atomic nucleus or a molecule) usually accompanied by loss or gain of a single quantum of energy

The word transition keeps coming up in my life. What I have realized is life is one big transition to another. Duh! Right? Some mando way whoppin' huge, and some so minuscule I don't even know I transitioned until moments after it happened, which usually are the most meaningful. My mother made her last transition on December 28th. Each day since I transition every minute and I am conscious of each one. I feel them with every cell in my body. I called my mom like 50 times a week to ask questions. She knew everything about everything. She meant so much to me. I still pick up the phone to ask her how to make something, or tell her about my day, or about a guy I am dating, or about my friend who is fighting with her boyfriend. She was the person I told when someone told me not to tell anyone. I could tell my mom though cause she didn't know them and she would never repeat it anyway. Now, I actually have to look for answers myself. I have older siblings & my father, they are simply not my mother though. I realize now I get to mother myself. Wow! What a huge transition. I am my own matriarch. I am 32 and I have been handed the baton from my mom. She asked me a few weeks before she transitioned if I could take care of myself, my dad, & our whole family...if I could help them through if she "dies". She asked me if I was ready. She told me she knew that the things I had been through in life were preparing me for even bigger things. I told her I was at peace with her choice & I couldn't say if I was ready. I just know God only gives me what I am ready for, so when called I could step up when needed. Being here while my mother was going through her illness and watching the toll it took on my dad was painful. It was much easier being in Austin away from it and just calling once a day. My mom was awesome at sounding well. I learned life is short and my choices are very important. There is nothing in life that I have control of. I make my choices and with them comes transition. My mom passing taught me transitions can be hard or they can be easy. I choose ease...with a dash of grace. Thank you mom for teaching me still today, even though I cannot see you I can for sure feel you. You taught me poise & the power of silence. You taught me strength & love. You taught me to move forward in my courage & faith. I am aware of my love for you everyday. Thank you for blessing me with so many gifts. Thank you mostly for teaching me about transition and about just allowing it to happen.